I’m keeping this blog as something of a marker - just deleting tumblr form my phone and getting it to a point that I can’t go on here anymore from my computer.
I don’t like that I am not who I want to be.
This is me being totally unbiased, and I might get hated on for saying it - but I honestly think this is true. If you feel the same, then maybe it’s time to stop being so hard on yourself and realize what I have.
I’m not average - I am bellow. This is why I have always worked hard.
I’m not self depreciating. I’m not loathing of my situation. Frustrated perhaps, but I’m going to just have to accept this. I am not and probably will never be who I want to be EASILY. What I want doesn’t come naturally to me.
Some of you can run 5 miles in under 50 minutes after not having run that distance in months. Naturally - either because you started earlier or are just genetically have a predisposition to running - you are capable of pushing yourself to that point. You don’t fight for it the same way I’ve had to. Tooth. Nail. Tears. Sweat. Doubt. Always doubt.
I was the slowest kid in PE class.
I was the largest kid.
I played tennis and I swam and I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full and my mom cooked meals at home and guess what?
I still still STILL wasn’t athletic.
so I practiced. and practiced. summers. years. months. hours. The only reason I am athletic is because I put in 150% of my effort. For others this comes with 50% effort. That’s the thing - I want so much to be a runner. I want so much to be able to push myself hard every single day. But my hard isn’t the same as everyone’s. Now, you might say this isn’t true. That you try just as hard as me. And maybe you do. But the results are always going to be different.
If I eat what my roommates eat I get constipated for 5 days and bloat to the point of pain.
If I do as much as my roommates do I gain weight in all the wrong places.
If I do as much as my friends do to study - I fail a test.
I am not gifted. I am nothing close to gifted. My metabolism is awful - from both sides of my family. My athleticism is painfully underdeveloped. My body changes slowly for the better and so rapidly for the worse that there are weeks that I can gain 15 pounds and some of it IS fat.
Even happiness. I must be doing things, accomplishing things, changing the world around me, ANYTHING of difficulty to be happy. I can’t just sit content for days on end - just doing laundry and reading and just generally living for myself. All of the things that make me happy aren’t just hard for me. They’re exhausting. I get burned out. I always get burned out.
Maybe one day I’ll find balance - and I’ll let you know how I do. But the natural state I take on - without influence of anything else - isn’t pretty. it isn’t kind. it isn’t anything I want to be.
and that. That is what exhausts me so much. I’ve worked so hard to change myself that unless I keep pushing forward I’ve fallen years behind. I am not gifted. I don’t have a head start. I’m making everything on my own - while others depend on me to do that and more.
It’s okay to struggle just to exist. But it is terribly exhausting fighting yourself day in and day out. I wish there was a different way. I wish I could take the easy way. But I never have. And I never could.
I think that’s why I like running. I might not have a leg up genetically - but if I put my whole heart into it I have the most determination of anyone. And not to push myself to injury. No. But to get up when I fall. To tie my shoes the next morning.
But I think I really do need to say this.
This Me. This person I am and the person I want to be is the hardest thing I face every morning and every moment. And eventually I’ll want to give up - but every time I do I pick up the rope and try and try again.
Its okay to struggle. It is okay. But remember - if you chose this - you chose to struggle. And there is never a point that you will look back.
I think I may delete my tumblr permanently.
I love you all very much - and I think this was important for me to have. But now I’m just using it as an excuse not to fix things that need to be fixed. Living on the internet isn’t living in real life.
Message me if you’d like to stay in touch - facebook, e-mail, etc. are all acceptable. :)
I probably won’t delete until May 1st.
lolol I’m really easily prone to constipation.
I think things will be better when I’m busy again
I need to accept the fact that I will always be fighting a battle with myself on this whole front. Fitness, happiness, running, health, and pooping will never come easily to me.
I’m not scared to fall off the wagon again - it happens so much and so often that I just drag on the ground until getting up is easier than laying down.
I wish it came to me more easily. Everything I fight for slips away in seconds and it can be just so exhausting sometimes. But that’s alright. One day I’ll die happy
and I think that’s all I need.
I don’t want to be a big time hero - a savior. I just want to find my own happy. And I’ll share that rather than find other people their peace.
need to run to break depression
need to not be depressed to get up to run
So yesterday Peter was feeling yucky and lonely so I told him to come over and have wine with me. We sat and talked about lots of things - nothing ever too personal as per usual. But there was enough to enjoy. He was more honest than usual.
Nice things were said and I realized that I would lean in my chair towards him. Watch his outline. familiarize myself with his voice again. fall into the same heartbeats.
We walked over to the golf course at night and talked more. Enjoyed the silence with each other. He said nice things here as well. Such as “Just you is good enough” and “I can be silent around you. IT takes a special person to share silence with”
we cuddled. Coming entirely too close to kissing - both acknowledging frustration. I realized that that was what I needed. That was the kind of feeling I wanted. I felt like myself. and that hasn’t happened in ages. We laughed. Actually laughed. Sweetly. and left.
and he left.
and then I asked to talk to him. Because I needed him to say something to me that I could read all day - but just needed to hear. So I showed up at his doorstep and asked for a few words.
Me: I like when you’re happy. When you’re happy wonderful things happen for people. You give so much. I’ll always care about you.
but right now I care about you in the wrong way.
… I liked you. I like you. I’ll keep liking you and I’ll always care about you. And even though it is written all over your face - I need you to say it to me. I need you to tell me there’s nothing there.
Is there a chance?
Him: No. (his voice was very quiet, almost breaking) I can’t love you. I don’t.
Me: Okay. Thank you. -pause- I’m sorry.
He said I was brave and I begged him to forget about this. He said he wouldn’t because he can’t forget about me. I know how to lay my feelings aside. but I have the memory I wanted. of us. Of how I wanted us to be. and that is enough.
Even though this is sad - I’m so happy to feel things for him. I’m so happy to feel. I’m so happy to interact. I’m so happy that he respects me. I’m happy that I know how to speak my mind and that I have the power to say it and take the consequences.
The rest of the weekend has been quiet. depressed. unfeeling.
but I wish I could thank him for showing me the love that he did. Perhaps not that of a relationship, but a friendship. And this I can bask in.
I feel so sick to my stomach I don’t even know why
yay constipation and whatever else
also I need to do laundry
if you go to condomusa.com you can get free condoms
this has been a psa don’t be silly wrap your willy
Signal boosting the hell out of this.
My body just feels wrong.
but I passed so that is okay.
I’m not sure about my final for bio though
I need like close to a 100 to get a C in the class
which scares me very much